Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Welcome to the Galaxy of Hubbub

I have been busier than a long tail cat in a room full of rockers. I rose early today to get in to work to get some things done before getting the boys to school and taking Kendra and Teensy to a brunch meeting for VBS when it dawned on me that I had not posted in a while. It's not because there isn't a lot to dump into cyberspace, it's just that I've been busy, distracted, and out of routine. I do not like to be out of routine--AT ALL. I have always been a very routine person, you could set your clock by the stuff I did. I have a plain vanilla life and like it that way, not big changes, no surprises, just routine, expected, ordinary...mmmm comfort. Teensy coming into the world unannounced was just about all I could take--talk about out of routine. That experience took me to another galaxy--out of the routine galaxy into the galaxy of Hubbub. I just quite haven't fallen back into that comfortable groove that keeps me steady. I am almost used to the idea that I have children...--I HAVE THREE CHILDREN? That at times is more than I can process.

I have realized that some things will have to change now that I live in the galaxy of Hubbub chief among them is learning a new language. The fundamental tenants of this language are very familiar to my mother tongue, but there is this one peculiar, odd sounding word that I'm not familiar with, "nnnnooohh...nnohoh...No." That's it, "No." I've not used that word ever before and will have to begin using it. I don't say no because I'm very much a helper person. I love to help people in anyway that I can at anytime that I can. I will go to great lengths to help someone just because I can and want to, sacrificing my own happiness and convenience in the process. I've always been like that. I can remember in grade school, maybe 1st or 2nd grade sitting at my desk trying to wade through my work while all of the other children were playing around me, and stopping to allow kids to make impressions of my really cool pewter Superman belt buckle. If I had that thing today it would still have trace remnants of Playdoh on there. I did it so I could help someone. It's just what I do. I help.

When I moved to Oklahoma to go to college at Oklahoma Christian I remember going on my first retreat with the college group. I should have never gone because I am so very uncomfortable surrounded by similar-aged people I don't know. It's the most intimidating thing I think I ever have to do, I just hate it. Now, put me in a room with children I don't know or 60 and older I don't know and there is no problem. It's just same age thing. Anyway, it was my first semester and I was drowning my Greek, literally. I do not have my own language mastered let alone trying to master a language no longer spoken! I had flashcards of the alphabet and first declension and was studying them feverishly every waking minute of every day.--YES I TOOK HOMEWORK ON A RETREAT--GET OVER IT! I also slept in front of the grandfather clock at this retreat and would not advise EVER sleeping in front of a grandfather clock. Did you know that blasted thing ticks all the time! Round the clock! It nearly drove me crazy! One of the guys on this retreat was a really nice guy and had just moved to school with his girlfriend and was having trouble making friends. I had a connection to him right from the get go. He fell into the pool and got his watch wet which could not be wet. He came in to change clothes and laid his watch down to dry. I took a break from my studies to get my hair dryer out (I really don't have time to go into the many, many layers of my convoluted life) and blew his watch dry. I took it to him and acted as if it was no big deal when it actually took me over thirty minutes of precious soak up the Greek time. We were friends from then on.

When someone asks me to do something I love to do, I have the hardest time saying, "No." But, I will have to start saying that word if I ever hope to get away from this galaxy and back home to the place that I love. Just the thought, just typing this is making me get all mournful and full of anxiety. I can not hardly stand the thought of saying, "No" to someone. I think it all boils down to the fact that I don't want people to think less of me. I have struggled with what people thought of me or about me my whole life and go to great lengths to ensure that people like me, one of those things is never saying, "no." I'm insecure and freely admit that, but that's just one hole in the Swiss cheese of my bizarre hang-up's.

So much to dump out of my brain, but so little time. I have to be going to get started doing what I came to do. I'll be back and we'll get caught up. Star date: 041507, Kirk, Out!


Donna said...

I can't believe you dogged me for not posting on my for so long. You haven't either.
I'd give anything if you could just not care what people think of you. It's so dang easy. And saying no....a breeze. NO. No way. No stinking way! Forget it. Not a stinking chance! Nit! In your dreams. Not if my entire life depended on it. Get it out of your head it ain't gonna happen. And, my all time favorite......HELL NO!

Tracy said...

it is amazing how easily those No's will come out of your mouth once you give them a try.
as a long time "try to please"er i know from whence i speak :-)
Really you'll get good at it and it won't be so hard as you think - it is all about self-preservation mister.
And no's for the kids are essential.
You can do it!