Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Who wants to be a Millionaire? I do!

I've just discovered the ultimate ticket to my life of wealth and freedom. I once thought it would come through inheritance, but there are no relatives that could bequeath me enough money for bus fare across the street let alone a life of independent living. From there I became convinced that I would become wealthy through the lottery. Week after week I did not win, but undaunted I pursued my dreams of cashing in on the big money ticket and spent my millions. It seems that you have to purchase tickets to even have a slim chance of winning. So, that's on my list of things to do--buy lotto ticket. I tried gambling in Las Vegas, but that was ridiculous. I am not Vegas material--at all! I was so out of my element in Vegas it wasn't even funny. For someone who absolutely loves to stare at people to point of awkward confrontation, Vegas is your ticket. This place has the highest concentration of weird than anywhere else in the world. You want eccentric, bizarre, out of this world visual experiences just go to Vegas. I played the slot machines there and had no idea what I was doing. I really didn't want to wrap my brain around the science of gambling because I knew that I wasn't for this place. Every where you turn there is a buffet. I have very serious convictions about avoiding buffets at all costs. Sneeze guards drip, food is just too unprotected on a buffet--I'm out. If I ever get into gold lamae, silk jump suit, tinted glasses, fanny pack wearing gamblers I may go back. But I think I'll leave it at that--THEY can have Vegas.
This new pursuit is sure to be the ticket to me being a millionaire. It is in wireless communications and has a guaranteed market and a sure following of boomers and aging Gen-Xer's. It involves the cellular communications element of society. It seems that all the buzz now is in ultra-sonic ring tones. Ring tones that are pitched to a frequency that most adults are not able to hear, but that teens and children can hear. These stealth tones allude a parents keenly tuned ear and completely give a child with a cell phone a free ticket to communicate with their peers. Children are getting cell phones right after being potty-trained it seems all for the simple pleasure of communication. My sister text messages her kids while they are in the same house, but on different floors. Now that's a connected family!
I am not going to try and cash in on a market already under way with ultra-sonic ring tones, instead I am targeting parents with ring tones that only they can hear. Think about it, a ring tone that is tuned to such a frequency that only adults can hear--genius. I don't have all of the bugs worked out--like how in the blooming world you create a ring tone; but I know I'm on to something. After all Edison didn't know how to make the light bulb when he started, he just knew it was a good idea. These adult ring tones would be your own voice recorded and then played back when your phone receives a signal. One such tone would be: "Take out the trash," or "Have you cleaned your room?" These simple, clearly audible statements fall upon deaf ears to teenagers. Just think you could go about your day and answer those secret calls with one simple, "Is your homework done?"
I know you are probably kicking yourself for not thinking of this yourself, but when you are in the presence of brilliance it is humbling. Electricity, the Decimal system, Internet, DOS, splitting the atom, Post-It notes, Velcro, all among the legendary inventions that changed the face of the world. This, my friends is among that cloud of great witnesses. My next quest is to understand why drive-up ATM's have Braille on the buttons--that will take some time to wrap my brain around, but I will come to the solution and share it with my friends. After that, I am going to try to develop a solution for the hot dog industry. We need continuity with the hot dog bun industry and hot dog industry--someone has to give here. Either take out a wiener or add a bun! It seems that they can insert cheese into a frank--no problem, but have reached this impasse at bun to dog ratios. Should I have the energy and mental stamina left I will launch a crusade to rid the world of the factories that seem to think those plastic coated wires that permanently attach toys to their packaging are OK. They are not OK, and have been twisted by some sadist who is laughing silently all day long, "try to unwrap THIS one tee hee." When I rule the world there will be a resolution to this one. Unwrapping one box is hard, but 25 on Christmas day while your hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls are getting cold is ridiculous and just torture. I will also require batteries to be sent along with the package, if the item needs batteries. Good grief! it's not that hard to throw in some batteries! I'm already getting keyed up with the dolls that have this plastic band around their hair! Teensy will most likely be into dolls and I already hate the thought of wading through that mess.
I hope I have time to solve these other problems, after all I will be trying to spend all of my millions made on the teen-proof ring tone, and may not have time. Too much money is a burden after all you know.


Sharon said...

The kids have said something about those ringtones.......Oh, to be a millionaire! What would ya do with all that cash? Teehee....

Will said...

It's been all over the news of late. Very interesting. And filling your tires with nitrogen instead of air--very interesting too. The world is full of odd things is it not?

Donna said...

Have you even explained to the world who Teensy is?? I haven't quite made it through all of your War and Peace posts so I'm not sure. You might want to think about doing so if you haven't. Also, now I know why the hell I haven't been winning the lottery! Tickets.....I've got to buy tickets! I'll get right on that. I'm not just real sure how it's done though. We don't really need money if we could just get you into the position of ruling the world. Oh yes, I've got some people who will be paying dearly on the day you take over! Can't wait. You weren't too bad on typos and sentence structure, thank goodness. "All be it" rather than albeit really took the grand prize of dunce cap wearing. I love you anyway William.

Babsarella said...

You forgot to mention the 50 zillion stickers you have to put on all the Christmas toys too. I remember one Christmas Eve adding stickers to a Barbie stable and some kind of military base thing. Seems like it took the whole evening! Love the ring-tone idea!