Thursday, March 15, 2007

Put your eyes back in your head!

I'm obsessing and organizing a Spring cleaning for the Children's wing at my church on Saturday. I've been surprised at how many people called with their regrets when the tone of their voice showed no sign of remorse whatsoever hmmm? I'm sure there will be some who show up and there will others who do not show up. I learned a long time a go to get over those who don't participate and just be glad that the ones who do--do.
I had to go to the World's largest retailer to buy supplies. I wanted to get six buckets (found the cheapest ones in the car washing section by the automotive department) to make six complete sets of "cleaning" duke. Six bottles of Windex, Six bottles of Spic and Span, Six sponges, Six Magic Erase things, Six rolls of paper towels, and a pack for extra unplanned needs. I also had to buy beverages. You cannot have a church anything without food it's just not allowed. I also had to get some crayons and markers to replace the itty bitty bits of crayons and dried up markers our children attempt to use now. Bought all the crayons they had and all the markers they had. By the time I had all of that stuff my cart was full. As I was wandering through the housewares department to try and uncover more secret bucket stashes I noticed something--I was being watched. I was the object of gawkers!
People all over the store were staring at my cart in sheer amazement. What on earth are all of those bottles of Windex and spic and span for? Sodas...towels...butt-load of crayons...butt-load of markers...good lord what is all of that stuff. When they were caught gawking at my stash I would get this quick grin of, "oh hello, I...uh...I...was...uh...I...just...staring at your cart as if it were strange that you were actually here to buy something." It was like that all over the place. the women would stare it all down and calculate whether or not there was a store sale going on or whether or not there was going to be a run on the supplies I was stocking up on--what with all this hub bub about the new time change fiasco. Should they scamper to the departments I had just been too and stock up as well?... The men would not turn their head, only their eyes. Men try to be the most stealth about it. After about 8:00 pm all of the men shopping at Wallyworld wear those horrible plastic slip-on sandals. I would call them shower shoes for lack of a better term. No comfort whatsoever and absolutely no support. There they are walking around Wallyworld behind their dear wife pushing their goods and thanking God they would not have to load what I was carrying in their car. I found an amazing deal on these really nice drawer organizers in the housewares area. $5 for these $10 fabric lined three-section drawer organizers. Much better for the pen, pencil, and other duke organization that the plastic cups we use now.
My cart completely full and almost a disaster I decided I had done enough damage and should just go checkout. When I rule the world: If you have a store with 57 lanes--every stinking lane had better be open! If you don't plan on opening all 57 lanes then don't have them! I think out of the 57 lanes there were four open. That meant huge lines at every one. I found one gal who was on top of her game and checking out fast. She was young and clearly had her groove. She was not hitting any scanning snags and could actually have a conversation with people and not stop scanning your duke. I hate when check out people start trying to be your friend and forget to check you out. I'm not there to be your friend I'm there to just buy my duke and go home.
I ask the check out gal if she could ring up tax-exempt. "No sir, we don't do that unless you have a cared...Do you have a card?" "No, I don't." " you want to put this all back or what?" Stunned to silence. I was going to let $24 stand in my way of an hour and half of shopping at Wallyworld getting gawkraped by every other shopper in the store? "Uh--no I'll take it and just eat the Tax." " are you going to do some cleaning?" She was hitting every check out person pet peeve I have. I cannot stand when a check out person tries to solve the mystery of why you are buying what you are buying. It just makes me cringe almost as much as when a person pulls out in front of you when you are the only car on the road and stops 10 feet down to make a turn. FIRE UP THE ROCKET LAUNCHER! "No, I'm organizing a spring cleaning day at my church." "Oh dat's nice, you a preacher of something." "yes..." "What's the church where you preach at?" I told her and quickly started loading up my duke. I didn't want to give her any more opportunities to engage.
She was about through counting the crayon boxes when an old hag and her two fat--we are living at home til we get on our feet--grown children showed up. They smelled of stale smoke, had clearly blown all of their pay checks at the Indian casino and were suddenly miffed at my large purchase. My Robba smoked every day of her life and never smelled of stale smoke! It can be done! The yellow-haired granny just kept looking at my stuff and rolling her eyes toward me with a huff. I just looked at her and smiled. If I had been given the gift of laser vision there would have been a clean-up on aisle 47--ZAP. You know if you don't want to wait to buy your cheap no skid work shoes and pack of cig's then go to a lane that isn't mine. Don't' huff at me like I forced you to stand behind me. You have free will. You chose to wear that stuffed flannel shirt as a jacket and didn't take the time to get out of your grass stained mowing shoes to come to Wallyworld. You can walk to another lane and get checked out faster so you can go home and fight over who gets to eat the last pork chop. I purposely engaged the checker out gal just to add seconds to my time in line. It was small victory. If I couldn't use laser vision to zap then that was the next best thing.
Why is it that you can load your cart and have everything fit, but check it out and you can't get everything to fit? I just don't get that at all. I could probably get a government grant to study that if I had the where with all to do it. It's always amazed me.
I am a confessed gawker, not at the contents of the cart but at the pushers of the carts. I love the list folks who go up and down ever aisle and have their coupon book in hand. I love the man who has made his second trip of a lifetime to Wallyworld to get things he has not clue about. Salsa...DEAR GOD there is an entire aisle dedicated to Salsa! What will I do? Just love that. The aimless wandering lost man--priceless. My hands down favorite is the man who is not comfortable buying feminine hygiene products. I will trail his butt until he checks out just to enjoy the show. No eye contact what so ever. The flippant toss onto the belt. Hurried stance. Quick drug glances to make sure that no one they know is there. And this desire to tell the check out person, "these aren't for me...they are for my wife...she needs them and I said I would go get some...she...I...nice shirt. Is that a wolf howling at the moon?" Oh how I love it. I just love it. I would love so much for the check out gal to announce over the intercom a price check and have all of the TV's in the place show a live feed from that check out lane--the man, the box of tampons, and the sheer terror of being noticed on his face. LOVE IT! I could watch that all day. I also love watching children retrieve toys they know their parents will not let them have but still try to get them to say yes. Love that exchange too.
It's a people watchers dream to go to wallyworld. No greater show on earth!


Tracy said...

hilarious will.
you know i must be in my own world all the time cos yaknow i notice the people with the piled high carts but i dont notice exactly what they have in there so the gawkers checking out your cart amaze me. and i liked you prolonged your check out just to po those folks behind you LOL. the tampon guy - oh thats too funny. they still make those men? Geezlouise they have enough commercials on tv for everything you'd think those guys would be long over the embarrassment.
oh ant btw - i'd never heard the word "duke" before Mildred used it and now here with you. What a cool word. (the only duke i'd ever heard of before that was John Wayne and my Aunt Mary's cocker spaniel... but he was Dukie... LOL)

Donna said...

You are hilarious William. And YOU DO TOO gawk at the contents of people's carts. You're sly about it, but you must do it in order to prove that you were dead-on correct in your assessment of what they would have in their cart based on how they look!
Comment on Tracy's comment: "duke" was orininated by Jack (my brother) and Mike (my cousin) when they were kids. Been using it all my life. They called my Uncle H.E. "CD" for Chicken Duke. Don't ask what it has no real meaning. Also, my brother used to gripe at me to "take those nasty tampons off the toilet tank." It was the stinking box of unused tampons. Those aren't nasty!