Life Lessons..the hard way

I could dedicate an entire blog on the lessons I have learned in life the hard way. Most of these lessons have left me in the dark universe of life with a spot light on me and the neon flashing, "laugh" sign buzzing away. It has to do with my being oblivious to the obvious--that's another blog too. So, here are some, just some, of the lessons I have learned:

• Styrofoam cups DO NOT get along with gasoline. This lesson learned as I was trying to refill my Grandmother's lawnmower and couldn't find anything but a cup...a McDonald's Styrofoam cup. It melted faster than...water on a hot griddle.
• Burning cotton balls on Formica sinks in your bathroom leave PERMANENT brown marks which will not come off. It was and still is the coolest thing in the world to see a cotton ball go up in flames. Please do not try this at home.
• Running your Mom's favorite cheese cutting tool over a flame to heat the tightened piece of metal will not make it cut the cheese (I just giggled) but instead cause the wire to explode a piece of which will land on your arm giving you a painful burn. Sorry Mom, that's exactly what happened to your beloved cheese thingy. Whew I feel better now.
• Cars have more than one spark plug. How many spark plugs a car has and exactly what cars don't have spark plugs can be answered by calling a mechanic or googling it. I found this out at the furniture store I worked in for four years, owned by my Sister's father-in-law. I made one casual comment about a spark plug and the whole group of those butthead men were on the floor in a grand mall seizure of laughter. Jerks.
• If you get a painful chaffing and don't have any baby powder and your wife give you liquid talc--DON'T PUT IT ON YOUR THIGHS!! It's alcohol based and will burn like the fires of hell on your tender, raw thighs. It will not help if your wife is laughing at your pain.
• It takes exactly two hours for 1/2 gallon of apple juice to completely rip through your digestive track and give you painful...cramping...explosive diarrhea the likes of which you have never seen. Apparently apple juice is a laxative and helps babies go poo when they get plugged up, and 20 year old adults who don't make the connection to this nuclear powered intestine clearing liquid.

That's enough for now. I'm going to go to a corner and suck my thumb now. Starbucks is too far away.