Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Don Juan named Ronald

My sister was always very concerned about her image and her status in the whole scheme of high school life. She was determined to run with a crowd that met her high standards of living, even though we were not "of means" like the kids she wanted to run with. She had a lot of friends and got into her fair share of trouble... those are stories for another day.

When sis started dating she set her sights on the boys who were of means, regardless of their 'coolness." One such stud was a boy named Ronald (picture the love child of Dudley Moore and the guy from Mad it? Ok, moving on.) Ronald's dad owned one of the nicest department stores in Neosho, they carried very nice clothes and my parents would never spend what the clothes in that store cost. He just so happened to attend our church, too. Bonus! Mom and Dad would let her "go out" with a good church boy from school whose parents owned a department store downtown.

The first date that sis went on with Ronald was a hay ride for church. It was Fall, the air was cool and crisp with the smell of fallen leaves filling the air...the beauty of scents that stir up the memories of fall were far out weighed by the dense, thick, heavy odor of that wagon full of hormonal teenagers looking to get whatever they could get. Ronald was among the hopeful. See, sis had been kind of flirty at school which automatically leads a hormonal boy to the conclusion that "she" is a doorknob--everyone gets a turn! What they didn't know is that sis was about as far away from being easy as you could get. She was a prude, with a sharp left hook!

As Ronald and sis snuck off to the seclusion of darkness I'm sure he was ready for his night of 1,000 pleasures with all of his hopes and dreams coming true through my sister. He did manage to kiss her, but when his hands thought they were the yellow pages and he would let his fingers do some walking, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" She put the kibosh on that boy's dreams lickity split. She was not giving up anything to him, let a lone anyone else who hadn't proposed and married her! Poor Ronald dejected and let down went back to the wagon with shattered dreams and a date that had the pursed lips of disapproval. Sis can give you a cold stare that would cause the sun to shutter!

Back at school on Monday, Ronald began to spin a tale, a huge false tale that put him in the club of "men" those men who flexed their muscle and showed their girl a thing or two about how the west was one. Yep, ol' Ron had his way with, "that Spoon girl" and then dumped her. One more notch in the belt of the Don Juan, named Ronald. The only problem with his plan was the fact that gossip when planted in fertile soil will grow like a weed, think Seamore's pet in Little Shop of Horrors. The rumor came back to sis, she was devastated. The devastation lasted for approximately 45 seconds before the rage set in. She was hot! When sis is hot, she gets revenge no holds barred!

One of her best friends at the time was Karen, a very ornery gal I must say. She and Karen really got into some doosies. Well...they cooked up this plan to get Ronald back, and good. All they needed was a night that we, Mom, Dad, and me, were gone...Friday night, our weekly trip to Joplin took hours.

"Ronald?...hey this is Lesa...good...say I was thinking about the, don't be sorry because I've been thinking that I was wrong to turn you away...right...what are you doing tonight? Mom, Dad, and Will are gone, you could come over if you wanted too....10 minutes great...wear something sexy." The trap was set! Ronald lived just up the hill from us. He ran as fast as he could to our house and made it in like 8 minutes.

Our house on Pineville Road was great. We had a big back yard, with a nice patio and sliding glass doors. The patio led into our den area which had a two step entrance into our laundry room, which connected to our kitchen. There was also a two step entrance into our formal living room which lead to our kitchen. Basically it was one big connecting circle.

Sis had put on a shirt and shorts...then a robe to make it look like she was naked. Karen was going to hide in the laundry room and run back up for Sis if ol' hormone tried to make a break for back door. Oh yes...there was a pistol and a shotgun involved. Sis had my Dad's Reuger in her robe and Karen had Dad's shotgun and hid in the laundry room. They were going to get him and get him good!

Ronald made it to the house in record time, driven no doubt by his pent up hormonal teenage charisma. "Hey beautiful...pant, pant, pant...came as quick as I could. So no one is home?" "Nope, not a soul come on look nice tonight." "Let's go into the den and get comfortable, I'm going to go to the bathroom, get comfortable." "OK, beautiful." As tiger bounded off onto an adventure into the 100 acre wood, so did ol' ron bounce into the den and strip down to his bikini briefs. RED SATIN BIKINIS.

When Lesa saw him standing there in all of his dorky glory is was all she could do not to bust out laughing, but she had a plan to execute. "Ronald...before we get started I have a question to ask." "OK, anything, you can ask me anything." "Well, do you know who started the rumor that you and I slept together at the hayride?" "What? no, I don't' know, let's not talk let's just get started." "Well, it's been bothering me because you and I both know that nothing happened on that hay ride, and well...I know it was you who spread the rumor." "I wouldn't do that to you beautiful." "Oh yes you would, you wanted to look good didn't you, you wanted your friends to think you took advantage of me and had your way with me, I now exactly what and why you did what you did. You pig. I'm going to get you back for it and tonight's the night."

That's when she pulled the Reuger out of her robe and pointed it straight at him. I'm sure, sure Ronald emptied his contents right their on the spot! "Oh my Gosh, Lesa, holy cow, now wait a minute here, I was only joking, I didn't mean it, honest. Is that thing loaded?" "It can get the job done. Do you know how embarrassing that was to me? Do you have any idea how mad I am and hurt I am that you ruined my reputation?" "I'm so sorry. I'll go fix it on Monday I promise, I swear I'll fix it, please don't' kill me, please."

It was at that point that Ronald decided to make a run for the back door. As he was running toward the door, Karen leaped from the laundry room holding the shot gun, "HA! Don't move creep!" "OH crap!" Ronald was standing in our den, wearing nothing but red satin bikini underwear as two girls were holding him hostage at gun point.

Karen was a tough ol' gal. She was a tomboy deluxe. Played softball, basketball, I think she might have played football if the coaches would have let her. She looked like the love child of Erin Moran (Jonie from happy days) during the perm years, and Andre the giant. Not a beautiful person, but no one ever said anything because she would beat the crap out of you.

"Please don't kill me, please don't kill me I'll do anything, please." He was crying and convinced that Lesa and Karen were going to shoot first and ask questions later. "You better go back to school on Monday and tell everyone you know that you didn't do anything to me, I'm letting you go this time, but if I ever hear about you talking about me behind my back again, I won't let you go." "OK, thank you, oh crap, thank you."

Lesa and Karen watched Ronald run home, up the hill in his red satin bikini underwear as he was trying to hold his clothes. The laughed and laughed and laughed. Ol' Ronald had been punk'd by the best and would never forget that night again.

He did as he said and tried to reverse the story, but the damage had been done. Sis was a marked woman, but she didn't care because she would start dating my future brother-in-law soon anyway.

There were times that Karen and Lesa would look at Ronald during church and close one eye, raise their gun fingers in the air and mouth, "bang." His eyes would get as big as silver dollars and he would turn away.

I can still laugh out loud as I think of this story. It never gets old or tired, I just love it. I have a beautiful mental picture of every second as it ticked away, and just love every detail. I wonder if old Ronald ever met anyone, he probably made darn sure they didn't own a gun!


sherri (Tied Up In Ribbons) said...

what a riot. wish I'd had the guts to do something like that.