More Lessons

Of course I thought of more lessons as I put last night's post to bed...and myself of course. Speaking of putting things to bed--we got a new bed! The upon which we have been sleeping our entire married life was purchased from a friend about three or four months before our wedding. Kendra moved into an apartment and didn't have a thing, so I bought her a mattress (which is on the guest room bed) and she bought the four poster bed. We found out that it was broken when we got it, we didn't want to know how it was broken! The mattress was given to us by my Step Mom. This is the first "NEW" bed and it's nice.

More lessons:

• Your Mom's wedding china, white porcelain with a real silver bamboo inlay and rim, will create a 4th of July explosion in the microwave oven. This was the 80's when microwaves were the size of a Yugo and we just didn't know, ok. The plate was never the same.
• Your dishwasher will not accept a dispenser full of DAWN dish washing liquid as the suds created are thick as meringue. It will take approximately 1 1/2 cups of Downey to take the suds away. Sorry Dad, thanks for jumping right in there and fixing that one.
• When your best friend sneaks his girlfriend into your house while you are next door babysitting the punks and calls to say that they had...um...let's see how I can put this..."been" together... with each other...on your parent's bed! Change the sheets. I revealed this little tid bit of info at one of my Sister's and my infamous Father's Day lunch reveals. "Hey Dad, remember when..." This was one of those reveals. I just didn't know what I know now.
• Thinking that a dog chain will stay on the ground as you mow over it is false! It will get sucked up into the blade wrapping itself around the rod causing the engine to explode. Thick Black Smoke will come out of the top of the mower. Your Dad will not say a word about it to you, but will also not let you use the new mower to cut Mrs. Cope's yard. I was fired...by my Dad...for a job I had mowing an old lady's yard! Blasted chain!
• Unless you have a Polaroid camera and take a photo of the toupee which is on a foam head in the bathroom you were not supposed to use but thought no one would know until you touched the hair piece and it slid off onto the counter do not touch it. Well, if you do touch it for Pete's sake be gentle!
• If you think you need a plumber...YOU DO!

Life Lessons..the hard way

I could dedicate an entire blog on the lessons I have learned in life the hard way. Most of these lessons have left me in the dark universe of life with a spot light on me and the neon flashing, "laugh" sign buzzing away. It has to do with my being oblivious to the obvious--that's another blog too. So, here are some, just some, of the lessons I have learned:

• Styrofoam cups DO NOT get along with gasoline. This lesson learned as I was trying to refill my Grandmother's lawnmower and couldn't find anything but a cup...a McDonald's Styrofoam cup. It melted faster than...water on a hot griddle.
• Burning cotton balls on Formica sinks in your bathroom leave PERMANENT brown marks which will not come off. It was and still is the coolest thing in the world to see a cotton ball go up in flames. Please do not try this at home.
• Running your Mom's favorite cheese cutting tool over a flame to heat the tightened piece of metal will not make it cut the cheese (I just giggled) but instead cause the wire to explode a piece of which will land on your arm giving you a painful burn. Sorry Mom, that's exactly what happened to your beloved cheese thingy. Whew I feel better now.
• Cars have more than one spark plug. How many spark plugs a car has and exactly what cars don't have spark plugs can be answered by calling a mechanic or googling it. I found this out at the furniture store I worked in for four years, owned by my Sister's father-in-law. I made one casual comment about a spark plug and the whole group of those butthead men were on the floor in a grand mall seizure of laughter. Jerks.
• If you get a painful chaffing and don't have any baby powder and your wife give you liquid talc--DON'T PUT IT ON YOUR THIGHS!! It's alcohol based and will burn like the fires of hell on your tender, raw thighs. It will not help if your wife is laughing at your pain.
• It takes exactly two hours for 1/2 gallon of apple juice to completely rip through your digestive track and give you painful...cramping...explosive diarrhea the likes of which you have never seen. Apparently apple juice is a laxative and helps babies go poo when they get plugged up, and 20 year old adults who don't make the connection to this nuclear powered intestine clearing liquid.

That's enough for now. I'm going to go to a corner and suck my thumb now. Starbucks is too far away.